New hope

Hey friends,

I've thought of you all many times since my last post. You sent so many encouraging messages. It was incredibly uplifting at a time when I was feeling pretty low.

Thank you!

Life has been full of really good things since I bared my soul to you a fortnight ago. I've been listening to Lauren Daigle worship music as much as I can, setting my mind on good truths. Whenever things get fractious at the homeschool table, I turn her on and the mood immediately lifts.

I've also been to counseling twice more, which has been really positive. I'll tell you a little bit more about that at the end of this post.

A couple of weekends back I went to SISTAS conference, and it was exactly where I needed to be. I came away recharged, hopeful and full of specific advice for my situation - even though the speakers obviously had no idea what my situation was when they were writing their talks.

I had a lightbulb moment at SISTAS when Paul de Jong spoke about dealing with issues as they arise. He said that if we don't deal with painful things in the moment, they become stumbling blocks that will continue to trip us up.

That has certainly been my experience.

Of course, when I was a kid I didn't have the maturity to deal with the things that were going on for me, so I made a lot of false assumptions and put the blame for my poor relationship with my mother on me. There must be something wrong with me, I thought, not understanding that she had her own issues going on.

I couldn't figure out why this seemingly minor thing kept tripping me up though. So what if my mother hadn't loved me as a kid. Lots of people have way worse childhoods than I did, yet they seem to get over it and move on with their lives. Why couldn't I move on? Why did it keep messing me up? Was I destined to live a half-life forever because I couldn't just get over it?

Paul de Jong's talk gave me hope though. I am old enough to process it now. I have support that I didn't have as a child. I also know how important it is to deal with all the false beliefs I adopted as a child, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to sort them out.

Paul de Jong recommended that once an issue is dealt with, we leave it in the past. Don't continue to bring it up, or we'll be scratching the scar and causing it to become inflamed again. That metaphor really spoke to me, because this situation with my Mum will always leave a scar, but that scar shouldn't continue to bleed if I let it heal properly.

I discussed this idea with my counsellor and she noted that things might come up that trigger certain emotions for me, but I can speak to those feelings as they arise and say, "I see you there. I know why I'm feeling like this, but I don't accept it." And that awareness could help me work through the difficult moments.

My counsellor has also given me an activity to do - to speak and/or write to my childhood Emma and tell her all the things she needed to hear back then but didn't. I'm looking forward to that and hope to have it done before my next session with my counsellor.

So it's feeling positive. I have a lot more hope than I did when I wrote my last post. Please do continue to pray for me though, as that prayer coverage has really buoyed me up in a difficult time.

With much love,

Emma xx